LIKE WE WERE YOUNG AGAIN.
“Is this what being an adult feels like?” Cierra said as she poured Peppermint Schnapps into our hot cocoa. “Hanging out with the little kids we just once were but instead drinking as if we were a parent now?” We started laughing and then searched for a piece of paper joking that we should put “Special cocoa for the parents who need it” on the sign. Start selling it at $5 a cup. Cierra and I were laughing uncontrollably to the point I was gasping for air. We hadn’t even gotten to the base of the mountain yet where we decided to go sledding instead of hiking. We knew it was about to be a complete shit show and that we were ready to push all the little kids down the mountain. It was our time to shine.
It’s been awhile stuck in the feelings of adulthood, you know? The stresses of money, my job, trying to find happiness and time for myself, what direction I’m even headed next. You know the unnecessary stresses sometimes? I’ve been in my head because of it a lot and straying away from the only things that make me happy, as if that would help in any way. It’s a cycle, a never ending one to say the least.
It’s just been awhile since I’ve felt young and carefree. I know I talked about this in a post, “It Feels so Scary Getting Old” but that was the 21 young. Not the type where you’re 5 years old and the whole world is at your feet, young. Where the whole world is a jungle gym and you’re just waiting to go play. It’s been awhile since I’ve just been worry free and not stressing myself out with adulthood.
And I mean I still do have the world at my feet.. more so now than I did when I was 5. But I think that’s the scary part, I’m the one who has to guide myself through the world now. And that thought alone makes me scared and fearful, yet excited. I remember being in elementary school wanting to be the age I am now, but things were so different when I wished for this age. I thought life sort of just fell into place like how it seemed to for everyone.. The typical life of go to college, get a job, find a partner and settle down in life somewhere forever. And I was going to be okay with that because I didn’t even realize how much there was to life at the time. My mind didn’t know anything more than what was right in-front of me in that given and fleeting second. Life just isn’t what I expected it to be because there’s a lot of options. Which I love for the benefit of having so many different live’s to live but it’s also what creates the stress and overthinking..
I had an English teacher, Mr. Brown. Good ol’ Brown. The only teacher who could make you so scared to enter his classroom but also the same classroom that you never wanted to leave once the period was over. I wouldn’t even label him as an English teacher because that’s almost offensive. He’s a life teacher, a day and age Ghandi so to say. Using his own past experiences and life to teach students the lessons learned or to show a different perspective on the world than what we see right now. I’ll never forget the lesson he taught on the difference between simple and easy. Where something can be simple, but never easy. It goes hand in hand with making choices he explained. When there’s only a couple it’s simple (uncomplicated), but when there’s more than a few choices it’s anything but that, it becomes uncomfortable which becomes uneasy.. And that’s how life has felt. Uneasy, uncomfortable and complicated. Like a million different decisions are swaying around in my head and I’m suppose to be acting on them and I just can’t because it feels overwhelming. I can’t even grasp at one. So the days where I’ve been able to look at the world as nothing but my own playground and have that world at my feet type feeling; when I know I could battle anything in my own way, it makes me feel alive. It cancels out all the bad and dark I’ve felt because I’m here..
I’ve felt like more childlike wonder these past 2 months than I did all of my last year total. You see, I always have a young spirit and I love spontaneity, adventure, always being on the go, you name it. But with that, also comes an old soul in me; the worrying and figuring out of the future. I sometimes forget the slow down period. The period of looking around and taking in everything that this moment offers. I forget to scream to the world just how happy I am when I feel like it, to laugh out loud to the point someone could mistake it for a dying seal, to cry when I feel something. Sometimes I just forget to really live. Like how we did when we were young.
That day, driving out to Snoqualmie where we were gonna go hike then instead ditched the plan to sled, was a day I needed. The little kid in me finally breaking out of chains that once had been trapped by the stresses of adulthood. Cierra and I were running up the mountain, snow in our boots, wet jeans stuck to our skin from the snow, a mixture of rain and tears dripping down our face from laughing. And I stopped just for a moment and I thought to myself “It’s like we’re young again”. I paused and captured that moment, physically with the film shots and then also as a mental screenshot.. I grabbed that feeling as I felt it right there and trapped it into a little part of my heart and soul where I can open it up and relive again when I’m in need.
We were causing riots on the mountain as we slid down together, screaming to all the children not even a quarter of our age, to move out of the way unless they wanted to go down the mountain with us. Because there was no stopping. We just kept going and going until we literally had to let go of the sled to stop ourselves. Tears running down our face as we were laughing hysterically, we could feel the parents hate fuming through their dirty looks. But we just kept running up and down the mountain, going over and over, not worrying about the rest of the world because for once we were kids again and you know damn well when you’re a little kid and you’re having fun there’s no stopping you. But this time? There really was no stopping us. Unless a parent had the balls to yell at us to calm down, but honestly at the end of the day I think they were smiling with us thinking what they would do to be that young again too.
It was one of the best days I’ve had in awhile.
Let’s also rewind to December while I’ve got you here and we’re on the subject.
It was another day Cierra and I were going to the mountains with the idea of taking photos in mind. But instead we let that idea go down the drain as soon as we saw the small town we were passing through had a playground. We had been talking about how we both feel this rush into adulthood right now, like it sort of came out of nowhere but had also been lingering like a shadow for awhile now. Talking about what we would to do be kids again. We were going back and forth reminiscing on all the memories we could remember back to when our friendship first started, 15 years ago now. The sleepovers where we thought staying up until 10PM was late, the snow days in elementary school, partying for our first time together and so on. It was a complete trip down memory lane and you could feel the bittersweetness rush over us, we both sighed and gave a small sort of grin; that “Aww such good times” feeling but also that “I just want to feel those moments one more time again” feeling. After that conversation ended we both looked at each other and before we knew it, we were out and running towards the swings and merry-go-round. Barely giving ourselves enough time to unbuckle our seatbelts or take a breath even, there was something just pulling us out there. That longing sense of childhood was calling us out for one last ride. And to be honest, that was the most fun I had in months. We played hot lava, took turns spinning each other on the merry-go-round, ran around with Tux (Cierra’s dog) playing tag with him. It was seriously THE most carefree I had felt in years before we went sledding this month, just us and the moment. Not a care at all about anything. Just worried about the moment ending, because when you’re a kid that’s all you’re ever worried about too. And as I said, It was all like we were young again.
More film I’ve never really shared but they’re small moments (mostly feelings) I want to relish in forever..
Thank you for being Lost in a Dream with me
With lots of love,
Niki